The less said about it the better. George Carlin, 38. It was stolen!" Fertilization. And say, don't forget to pick up your free gift, a classic, deluxe, custom, designer, luxury, prestige, high quality, premium select, gourmet pocket pencil sharpener. The middle class pays all of the taxis, does all of the work. That's all the media and the politicians are ever talking aboutthe things that separate us, things that make us different from one another. I wouldn't be surprised if they came up with a birth control pill that doesn't work all the time; they'd call it "Baby Maybe"! And if you act now, we'll include an extra added, free, complimentary bonus gift, a classic, deluxe, custom, designer, luxury, prestige, high quality, premium select, gourmet combination key ring, magnifying glass and garden hose in a genuine imitation leather style carrying case with authentic vinyl trim. Everybodys going to save something now. So at best the sanctity of life is kind of a selective thing. Maybe something else sucks around here like, the public. Actually, it's our way of saying, "Bend over just a little bit farther, so we can stick this big advertising dick up your ass a little bit deeper!". Produced by Will Reid and Michael Simon Johnson. Not a word. Its called dick fear! Men are terrified that their pricks are inadequate and so they have to compete with one another, to feel better about themselves, and since war is the ultimate competition, basically, men are killing each other in order to improve their self-esteem! He was regarded as one of the most important and influential stand-up comics of all time. They come from American homes, American families, American schools, American churches, and American businesses. 17. And they're elected by American voters. Offer good while supplies last. A person of good intelligence and of sensitivity cannot exist in this society very long without having some anger about the inequality and its not just a bleeding-heart, knee-jerk, liberal kind of a thing it is just a normal human reaction to a nonsensical set of values where we have cinnamon flavored dental floss and there are people sleeping in the street. George Carlin, 68. If its true that our species is alone in the universe, then Id have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. George Carlin, 37. They're privileges. Let's face it, we have very little to work with. To me, war is a lot of prick-waving! Elect me." The government doesnt care about you, or your children, or your rights, or your welfare or your safety. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. George Carlin, 16. "Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.". Garbage in, garbage out. We made the whole fucking thing up! You'll never see the black guys going, "Oh, golly! Well he was an honest guy ya know, he wasn't gonna bullshit a 4-year-old. I wish to be BLOWN UP. There are over seventeen thousand golf courses in America, they average over one hundred and fifty acres a piece. Any old orifice will do for Dopey. If Darryl Stingley's son paralyzes someone else, that will be closer to ironic. And even if it's something that anyone would really want that much. Some of these one-liners included: "The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. The truth is, we dont have people like that. Founded in 2010, Thought Catalog is owned and operated by The Thought & Expression Company, Inc. For over a decade, we've been at the bleeding edge of media, pioneering an infrastructure for creatives to flourish both artistically and financially. George Carlin I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. ""These days many politicians are demanding change. "I don't believe anything the government tells me." - George Carlin 02. Carlin dropped out of high school and was stationed in Barksdale Air Force Base in Bossier City, Louisiana in 1954 . With Nina Feldman. It sounds fashionable and, to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. (206), There is something refreshingly ironic about people lying on the beach contracting, I'm sick of hearing about a baby being kept alive on a resuscitator while doctors wait for a kidney to be flown in on a private jet contributed by some corporation seeking good publicity because they just killed six thousand people in Pakistan with a chemical spill. If you can find a solution to homelessness where the corporations and politicians can make a few million dollars each, you will see the streets of America begin to clear up pretty damn quick! George Carlin, 67. You dont see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? It's supposed to imply thoughtfulness or intelligence. We cut education, in 50 years, well be so stack with idiots with shitty jobs that we wont have enough money to pay for defense! George Carlin, 85. Everybody says they suck. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language. George Carlin, 25. That's the kind of thing you would hear on. The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. You know how we got it? The House of Blues they ought to call it the House of Lame White Motherfuckers; inauthentic, low frequency, single-digit, lame, white motherfuckers especially these male movie stars who think theyre blues artists. Its never going to get any better. A man in a hospital gown directing traffic. If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance. I see a glass thats twice as big as it needs to be. George Carlin, 44. Those who decide what news you will or will not hear are paid by, and tolerated purely at the whim of, those who hold economic power. BREAKING: 100 days . If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. They call it the National Defense University, but it's a war college. He loves you and He needs money. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Wheres the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. George Carlin, 43. Boy, these conservatives are really something, arent they? Keeping it and expanding it wherever possible. The espresso machine is jammed? The best (and funniest) George Carlin Quotes on politics, life & death and of course the American government ", Variations of this piece have also been misattributed to, "Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body". The people left of center were liberals; the people right of center were conservatives. ""Deep Throat: Think about it. People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point. People are fucking nuts. Next fucking case! They don't give a fuck about you. Because Im an American and I expect a little cancer in my food and water. A new two-minute spot from Pattern Integrity Films features a famous rant from the late comic George Carlin set against a devastating set of images of Donald Trump's America. Thats all weve ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. George Carlin, 39. I believe the government should step in where the free market fails. After all, he was one of the most successful comedians of all time! Theyre all in favor of the unborn. Then you become a baby, and then You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions central heating, room service on tap, and then You finish off as an orgasm. Every three or four blocks, there's a big sign: "DRUGS", "Open All Night DRUGS", "We Deliver DRUGS", "Cut-rate DRUGS" it's the biggest thing on their sign: "Cosmetics Sundries . And they're against gun control and they're against nuclear weapons control. It's true! We get to choose which forms of life we feel are sacred, and we get to kill the rest. They even have a war college at Ft. McNair, Washington. I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. What's the alternative to pumping out a unit every nine months? The poor are just there just to scare the shit out of the middle class. I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. And don't you love the way these kind of people pervert the English language? Same with religion. Knobs. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. 225 different people in the Ronald Reagan administration have either quit, been fired, arrested, indicted or convicted of either breaking the law or violating the ethics code! Governments dont want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation. Dont sweat the petty things and dont pet the sweaty things. George Carlin, 19. Maybe this time itll work. George Carlin, 59. Be happy with what youve got, because the owners of this country dont want that. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain. George Carlin, 70. But if he starts that smart-ass fly shit, buzzing my head and repeatedly landing on my arm, he is engaging in high-risk behavior. But there is an I in independence, individuality, and integrity. George Carlin, 14. One of them turns the radio OFF, and the other one. "Well, it's God's will." ""Now, there's one thing you might have noticed I don't complain about: politicians. And we'll be gone. Actor: Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. Has been for thousands of years! I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. (154), Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. George Carlin was one of the most well-known and beloved comedians of all time. That is against their interests. I don't even bring them home anymore. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. Sleepy was into reds. 44. Well I'll go for a drive, you'll go for a ride. Darryl Stingley, the pro football player, was paralyzed after a brutal hit by Jack Tatum. In this blog post, well take a look at some of Carlins most famous quotes on government. He was paranoid on his own. If you take five white guys and put em with five black guys, and let em hang around together for about a month, and at the end of the month, youll notice that the white guys are walking and talking and standing like the black guys do. Because everyone is trying to save the planet. Plus he knocked up your daughter. "Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass". It's like "pre-recorded" "This program was pre-recorded." The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. That's generally been true. It creates a hostile work environment." I welcome it. Our experienced and knowledgeable sales representatives will help you make a selection that's just right for you and just right for your budget. Now I feel better. Some people have to go to work and dont have time for all that. George Carlin, 24. That would make a "He-man" an "It-person." Am I missing something? You kick him squarely in the nuts, and you get the fuck out of there as fast as you can, and you go tell somebody right away; you tell as many grown-up people as you canone of them is bound to believe you. That way, perhaps we can add our own special, obscene imprint to Christmas in Midtown.". And if they tell you youre not a team player, congratulate them on being observant. I call it circling the drain And the circles get smaller and smaller and faster and faster, if you watch the sink empty Huish! Any lawyer who refers to the police as the "Federalies." I cant follow the logic on that one at all! Its interested in its own power. Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? 5. OK? By clicking Accept All Cookies, you agree to the storing of cookies on your device to enhance site navigation, analyze site usage, and assist in our marketing efforts. First thing- "Hey! It's ridiculous! BAD WORDS." They own everything. Its never just a game when youre winning. George Carlin, 7. Nature is in here. Weve learned how to make a living but not a life. And the other two-way word is "prick". And then we want a toy and a gizmo and gold and we want shiny things, and we want something to plug in that will make big big big things for us And all that shit is nothing! And thenhitting it again! Really? You know how I define the economic and social classes in this country? This is the best we can do folks. The person who drives the car they go for a drive, the other people they go for a ride. They'd look up in the sky and see "the person in the moon". Some people don't want you to mention certain things. "Hey! And complaining about the politicians. Im an acrostic: the whole thing puzzles me. Now we're really going to get even: we're sending experts to show them how to run their economy. You don't wait thirty years. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? ""Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. And you might have noticed something else. But limited time only, though, so act now, order today, send no money. "You give us a color, we'll wipe it out! I am perfectly willing to share the room with a fly, as long as he is patrolling that portion of the room I dont occupy. You know why? The big wealthy business interests that control things and make all the important decisions. But they take it too far, they take themselves too seriously, they exaggerate. Regarding public Christmas displays: At some point, someone who worked at Rockefeller Center must have said, "Boys, I have a great idea for Christmas. They should be more vivid. We have a daughter in public school who hasn't been knocked up yet. Enjoy! There are over seventeen thousand golf courses in America. And I would admit, that somewhere underneath all this there's a little flicker of a flame of idealism that would love to see it all huish! They never mention coffee. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. They want your fuckin' retirement money. Anyone who mentions Jesus more than three hundred times in a two-minute conversation. "Pre-heated" is a meaningless fucking term! Instead, what you do is kick him in the nuts. "Do you believe in God?" That's what you do. They wind up on sanitary napkins, and yet they are fertilized eggs. You know why? Nothing left. Youll never see the black guys going, Oh, golly! The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept. George Carlin, 13. Every single person, you can see the universe in their eyes if you're really looking. And Bush is pushing this country farther down the hill, faster than anyone has before. George Carlin was one of the most iconic comedians of all time and he had a lot to say about government. You never hear them say "Jesus made me drop the ball." Because if everything is really the fault of politicians, where are all the bright, honest, intelligent Americans who are ready to step in and replace them? But where do people think these politicians come from? Let me get a sip of water hereyou figure this stuff is safe to drink? Thats our history. But he loves you. And they seem to understand what I'm talking about. Don't give your money to the church. I'm the first one to say it's a great country, but it's a. Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death! - George Carlin. Either you gimme my money backor I'm shittin' in the well! Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. 7. Because I think we squandered great gifts. A man with only one lip. You don't have to bring flowers. Of all the things you can do, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world. How about "Holy Christ, the Christmas Tree's on Fire"? It's interested in it's own power. And, by the way, theres nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. George Carlin, 53. It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. ", In 2001, the official George Carlin website explicitly stated that the list including all of these lines was not the work of Carlin. We are the proud parents of a child who has resisted his teachers' attempts to break his spirit and bend him to the will of his corporate masters. No neonatal care, no daycare, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. ' Avoid teams at all cost. We'll stand it up in Rockefeller Plaza and conceal its natural beauty by hanging shiny, repulsive, man-made objects on it, and let it stand there slowly dying for several weeks while simpleminded children stare at it and people from Des Moines take pictures of it. Huh? You ever watch golf on television? Couples whose children's names all start with the same initials. When it comes to Gods existence, Im not an atheist and Im not an agnostic. I'm here to help. It sounds like this: "What, they have bigger dicks? I am perfectly willing to share the room with a fly, as long as he is patrolling that portion of the room I don't occupy. Dopey was into everything. 39. Save the planet! 2010 The Thought & Expression Company, Inc. 1. And that's fine. Put the blame where it belongs: on the people. Reminds me of something my grandfather would say. I know that. It is one that we need to function as a society. Here's my problem with the Ten Commandments: why are there ten? Why isn't selling fucking legal? I do not torture animals, and I do not support the torture of animals, such as that which goes on at rodeos: cowardly men in big hats abusing simple beasts in a fruitless search for manhood. When's the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? It's what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. I have certain rules I live by. BAM! So, maybe, maybe, maybe, it's not the politicians who suck. The right wing's last line of defense on campus. Now there is another phrase I dearly love. 2. The upper class keeps all of the money, pays none of the taxes. 50. It's as simple as that. 48. 25. I sit there laughing and they go to waste. But I said it with a smile. It's called "fucking with people! They'll get it. Name six ways were better than chickens. When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. 101 Marianne Williamson Quotes That Will Enlighten You. Heres some bumper stickers Id like to see: We are the proud parents of a child whose self esteem is sufficient that he doesnt need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car. We are the proud parents of a child who has resisted his teachers attempts to break his spirit and bend him to the will of his corporate masters. We have a daughter in public school who hasnt been knocked up yet. We have a son in public school who hasnt shot any of his classmates yet. You caused the problem. You see all, sooner or later. Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? That's all we've ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. Injuring, hurting, killing, drinking are all part of it because youve lost your identity because you now owe your allegiance to this thing thats bigger than you are and that controls you. George Carlin, 71. I say, "Pick it up, asshole, you're lucky you found the fuckin' thing! Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary, it's our way of saying thank you. We had great gifts, and we gave it all up for both money and God We gave it all up to superstition, primitive superstition, primitive shit Invisible man in the sky, looking down, keeping track of what we do, make sure we don't do the wrong thing, if we do, he puts us in hell, where we burn forever. Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. George Carlin, 4. Dont look for it. The owners of this country know the truth: Its called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it. George Carlin, 83.Theres a reason education sucks, and its the same reason it will never ever ever be fixed. Nothing sacred about those things. So let me ask you something: how's everybody doing tonight, huh? ""Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out. They don't want to hear from you. Must be another one of those miracles.. I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. Pointless careerism, putting on a man tailored suit and shoulder pads and imitating all the worst behavior of men? We are on a nice downward glide. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. They're privileges. That's the only thing. 38. You will do things in the name of a group that you would never do on your own. We are the embarrassed parents of a cross-eyed little nit-wit who at the age of ten not only continues to wet the bed but also shits on the school bus. They want me to call that thing in the street a "person-hole cover;" I think that's taking it a little bit too far. I have major psychotic fucking hatreds. And the supreme arrogance? It's a Divine Plan. You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? During bombing raids in Iraq, the media liked to say that Saddam Hussein used people as, The fanatics have another name for fetuses. The upper class keeps all of the money, pays none of the taxes. Next time you're at a wishing well ask to see the manager! And we wont leave much of a trace. Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that shit. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place. George Carlin, 31. For twelve dollars. Now, man"You up for the game?" In many ways, the comedian has the ability to be the philosopher of our era, a social critic and theorist whose words have the ability to shape public thought. Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Im not sure silencing people or forcing them to alter their speech is the best method for solving problems that go much deeper than speech. George Carlin, 62. You don't do all this moron stuff. Everybodys going to save something now. You kick the priest in the nuts and say, "Fuck you, Father, I don't do that shit" And you're out the door. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience. George Carlin, 2. It's not an attitude in line with the American Spirit, but there it is: we all screw around first. Have you ever noticed that the only metaphor we have in our public discourse for solving problems is to declare war on it? I call it the American Okie Doke. Then he is the victim of an irony. On Election Day, I stay home. Something I could really count on. And now, ladies and gentlemen, that we've enjoyed some good times this evening, and enjoyed some laughter together, I feel it is my obligation to remind you of some of the negative, depressing, dangerous, life-threatening things that life is really all about; things you have not been thinking about tonight, but which will be waiting for you as soon as you leave the theater or as soon as you turn off your television sets. Electricity is really just organized lightning. High-quality, grade-A, prime-cut, pure, American bullshit. Thats the only thing keeping it and expanding it wherever possible. George Carlin, 57. We get to choose which forms of life we feel are sacred, and we get to kill the rest. But hey, reverend, there are two knobs on the radio! The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice., Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups., If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else., Political correctness cripples discourse, creates ugly language and is generally stupid., Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out., When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person., If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, youre gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders., If you have selfish and ignorant citizens then you too will become a selfish and bad leader.. His father was from Donegal, Ireland, and his mother was Irish-American. Its no secret that George Carlin was a bit of a political philosopher. To view the purposes they believe they have legitimate interest for, or to object to this data processing use the vendor list link below. "The good Lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage." One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're tired. Huh? It doesnt only represent the good things. You might have noticed that I never complain about politicians. A comedian can say things that you may not want to hear but need to. But you'll see guys with red hair named Duffy going, "What's happenin'?". ""Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of 'em are stupider than that. Everyones at the mall, scratching his balls and buying sneakers with lights in them. Sneezy was a full blown coke freak. 18. Everywhere you go now, there's some dick, some yo-yo, some putz with a camcorder, and he is going to tapeEVERYTHING! It's interested in its own power, that's the only thing. Anal rape, quicksand, body lice, evil spirits, gridlock, acid rain, continental drift, labor violence, flash floods, rabies, torture, bad luck, calcium deficiency, falling rocks, cattle stampedes, bank failure, evil neighbors, killer bees, organ rejection, lynching, toxic waste, unstable dynamite, religious fanatics, prickly heat, price fixing, moral decay, hotel fires, loss of face, stink bombs, bubonic plague, neo-Nazis, friction, cereal weevils, failure of will, chain reaction, soil erosion, mail fraud, dry rot, voodoo curse, broken glass, snake bite, parasites, white slavery, public ridicule, faithless friends, random violence, breach of contract, family scandals, charlatans, transverse myelitis, structural defects, race riots, sunspots, rogue elephants, wax buildup, killer frost, jealous coworkers, root canals, metal fatigue, corporal punishment, sneak attacks, peer pressure, vigilantes, birth defects, false advertising, ungrateful children, financial ruin, mildew, loss of privileges, bad drugs, ill-fitting shoes, widespread chaos, Lou Gehrig's disease, stray bullets, runaway trains, chemical spills, locusts, airline food, shipwrecks, prowlers, bathtub accidents, faulty merchandise, terrorism, discrimination, wrongful cremation, carbon deposits, beef tapeworm, taxation without representation, escaped maniacs, sunburn, abandonment, threatening letters, entropy, nine-mile fever, poor workmanship, absentee landlords, solitary confinement, depletion of the ozone layer, unworthiness, intestinal bleeding, defrocked priests, loss of equilibrium, disgruntled employees, global warming, card sharks, poisoned meat, nuclear accidents, broken promises, contamination of the water supply, obscene phone calls, nuclear winter, wayward girls, mutual assured destruction, rampaging moose, the greenhouse effect, cluster headaches, social isolation, Dutch elm disease, the contraction of the universe, paper cuts, eternal damnation, the wrath of God, and.
